I’ve got something to say — yeah, I just saw A Star Is Born — it is fucking amaze balls, and it helped me feel something akin to passion again, and I’ll take that feeling every moment I can...
I don’t like anchovies. I don’t think any less of you if you do. It’s just not my preference. Here’s the thing that I have trouble with...
I keep choosing anchovies, even though I don’t like them. Day in and day out — anchovies all around me and everywhere I turn.
There’s so much I want to say.
Me choosing anchovies and not knowing when to stop or me not choosing something else seems like an easy enough choice, and yes, it is so simple until you’re not sure what will replace the anchovies. I’m sure many of you are saying just choose something else — and you’re so right. It is that simple — but we’ve been taught that we have to take it and to do the things we don’t like just to get by, but you and I know it’s bullshit.
There’s so much evidence otherwise.
We are in an age where we can see the old rules being upended and thrown out for the new, for the ones who are rooted in love and connection to everyone and everything. The lies of having to sit there and take it are no longer. It’s a beautiful and also painful uprooting for so many.
So that old part of me keeps choosing the anchovies and some energetic thread keeps me there. There’s so much good in the anchovy. It is nourishing and filling and even healthy but I don’t like it, so what does it matter?
I’ve been thinking about my beautiful parents and how I wish they were here now for me to talk to — I get them on levels I was not able to comprehend when I was too busy trying to succeed and get the things that supported my ideas of success — those intellectual Brooklyn / NYC trappings of success that look like independence and free thinking but still subscribes to a collective’s line of thought — and that’s all good and fine, but was that my idea or did I see too many beautiful movies about NYC when I was a teenager (the answer is yes to that without a doubt)? But that’s a lame excuse — giving people those labels. We are drawn to people for so many beautiful and sometimes messy reasons and we are drawn to connect and love them and that’s where I was then and I still love them, but having that lifestyle isn’t what defines me.
These are the things I want to tell my parents. I want to tell them I understand their desire to live opposite of what they were taught, to live on the streets of New Orleans and play music and be creative and that it was okay... that it was always okay and that it would all work out, but they couldn’t trust that, and that’s what I get. That trust is hard to remember the older you get — their pain makes so much sense. You reach a point and you question the point? The lies you’ve been fed of what it means to be fulfilled and happy. Society and those determined to play by the rules will chalk that kind of talk up to a midlife crisis or some equivalent but it’s untrue.
People long to be who they always dreamed of as tiny beautiful children — the dreamers and lovers and creators are being revered rightfully so now. When my parents set out, the doers and the yes men were the favored. They didn’t want that. They wanted more, but they didn’t know how to.
The opposite of a midlife crisis is reading about people not that much older than me taking their own lives, because they couldn’t see the point anymore. They hated their own anchovies and couldn’t find their way to their own center — that light that is the purest version of God. And maybe they did find it and maybe they couldn’t find enough of it and maybe they couldn’t trust it, because it takes the opposite of what everyone says is rational to trust something that big. It doesn’t make them any less glorious. They are all so beautiful — their lights so big they didn’t know what to do with them. Lights that so many couldn’t handle during this time.
There is so much more than anchovies and I want to have it all — my version of it all... following the light, balls to the wall in unwavering faith.
Goodbye anchovies, we’ve had a good run.