When I listen to a song over and over and cry every time, it indicates a big shift—I'm finally old enough to recognize this power. It is a recurring theme always, and when I have the privilege of honoring its truth in hindsight, I can easily recognize the twists and the unfolding change and release of the old. We are always in flux, but we may not always be privy to this constant as it is occurring—too busy, too fearful of what is to know.
For a few days now, I've been listening to "This Must Be the Place" by Talking Heads. I've always felt nostalgia and a sense of appropriate longing while listening, a sense of this song in a movie about being in a family or the like, a sense of missing a big love, of not quite getting it right. But I know when I'm called to listen to a song over and over, when I can't help myself (much to the annoyance of those close to me—thank god for headphones), and tears happen every time without fail, the shift has already happened, and the realization, the palpable knowing that something huge will be realized by me and those around me—the catharsis has been revealed, another level of expansion, a shedding of the old.
It is the man I married's birthday today, and I feel nothing but relief in knowing he is not my husband. I am honored that he is the father of my children, and I honor that we have tried this journey together a few times for the sake of our children, but that never works. For the sake of the children is a facade and a lie, and is that what we want children to know?
The love I want is within, and I know the person I fall in love with next will have the privilege of receiving the best version of me so far. I'm so freaking glorious right now that those I meet and those I am in any kind of relationship with whether platonic, romantic, working—any connection, get the full me. Those who do not honor me only get the surface level. It's just so simple, and it doesn't mean that I'm unkind and unloving. I extend my love to everyone I meet, but the super open, exposed me is revealed to those I trust not to judge and condemn. My fully blossomed being is for those who can love me as I am and appreciate without judgment. I am worthy and full of love. It's so simple. We complicate it all in our attempt to control the outcome of everything. Damn, I'm finally glad I realize this. The person lucky enough to be my main squeeze will be free to love and be. Isn't that what we all want? Unconditional love and freedom to be every component that makes up our beauty?
"Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - born with a weak heart
I guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong... nothing"*
I am ready to stop hiding. I'm ready to love and be loved. I'm ready to be home in every sense of the word.
*lyrics from "This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)" - Talking Heads