Fear and Doubt Happen: Do It Anyway
This week has been intense emotionally. Even though I haven't been at my teaching job since the end of June, this week marked the beginning of the school year, and it finally hit me—I don't work there anymore. Yes, I am happy, but you know—those last vestiges of letting go and honoring a new path. Tuesday and Wednesday were the most difficult, because I felt like I should be doing something else, like getting up and putting on teacher clothes and hopping in the car for the commute, and how dare I be home when everyone else is on their way to work or school. Plus, a change in routine throws me off a bit, and it takes some adjusting to time management. I was freaking out emotionally and mentally. My ego berating: I had made a huge mistake and how dare I think I could pull this off. How dare I don’t follow the prescribed work relationship. Who the hell do you think you are starting a business and going to grad school? You had a job—the fear and doubt kicked in big time. My usual amount of writing and meditating lacked the same power they have when I am at ease. I tried to keep busy, but the overwhelm pushed me far beyond my comfort zone. I napped a couple of hours Tuesday (I know—awesome side effect!), was on edge and snippy. Luckily, no one was around during the day to hear how irritated I really was. Essentially, when I get to this egoistic insanity, I am trying to control every move. We all know control never pans out—just keeps everything stuck and limited.
I just kept working—I was a little behind my normal schedule, but I kept at it. The most important thing was I continued with my meditation practice and reflective writing, even when I felt like it wasn’t doing a thing. I took the breaks I needed and listened to all of my emotions. I didn't beat myself up for feeling fear and doubt—I just rode it out with more love and more centering. I fully honor that I freakout and am plagued with doubt, but I've never been more confident in my abilities and what I envision as my best life. I know that what I am creating and what I have left behind is absolutely the best decision I've made in a long time. I can stand a little fear and doubt, because I have chosen this intuitively and consciously. I did not choose this on a whim or as a reaction to something else. I have known for years that I wanted to create Write for Healing, help others write their way to authentic and whole beings, and write, and to do it all on my own terms. I just didn't have the courage and confidence in the past. I have it now, and I am more aware than ever that it's exciting and part of the process as I build to come across some obstacles. I know how to navigate them and if I don’t know, I will find a way, because my vision and dream is unwavering.
I am looking forward to the weekend! Hope your Friday is fabulous!
Enjoy your weekend!